Why Do I Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries?

If you’re a people pleaser, you probably know exactly what it feels like to put everyone else's needs before your own. You say "yes" when you want to say "no," feel guilty setting boundaries, and often worry that speaking up might upset someone. But have you ever wondered if there’s a deeper reason behind these feelings?

People pleasing can sometimes be a sign of past trauma, especially from experiences where you felt you had to keep others happy to stay safe or loved. If you grew up in a home or spent time in spaces where expressing your own needs or feelings caused trouble, you learned quickly to put those feelings away. You became really good at reading the room, making sure everyone around you was okay, even if it meant ignoring yourself.

Here are some common ways trauma might show up for you as a people pleaser:

1. Feeling Guilty All the Time

You might constantly feel guilty for even thinking about setting boundaries or doing something just for yourself. Guilt can feel like a heavy backpack you're always carrying, making it hard to relax or truly enjoy things.

2. Fear of Conflict

Avoiding conflict feels safer. You'd rather agree with everyone else than risk someone getting upset with you. This fear might make you stay quiet when something bothers you or agree to things you don’t really want to do.

3. Losing Yourself

You might feel unsure about what you actually want or like, because you’ve spent so much time focusing on others. You might even wonder, "Who am I, really?"

4. Over-Apologizing

If "I’m sorry" comes out of your mouth constantly, even when things aren’t your fault, it’s probably because you've learned to always take the blame to keep things calm.

5. Difficulty Trusting Others

You might find it hard to truly trust that others will accept you if you’re your real self. There might be a voice inside saying, "If people knew the real me, they wouldn't like me."

It's important to know you're not alone in feeling this way, and you're definitely not broken. These responses are ways your brain learned to protect you when things felt unsafe or unpredictable. But now, as you're noticing these patterns, you can choose something different for yourself.

Trauma therapy can help in gentle ways. It’s a space where you can explore these feelings safely and at your own pace. Therapy can help you understand where your people-pleasing habits come from, slowly practice setting boundaries without feeling overwhelmed by guilt, and reconnect with yourself and your needs.

In therapy, the goal isn't to "fix" you… because you're not broken. Instead, therapy helps you build kindness toward yourself and learn new ways to feel safe without always needing to please others. You deserve to feel seen, heard, and valued exactly as you are. Please reach out to me if you’re ready to start therapy. I would love to support you!